I can remember being aware of the inner dialogue of the mind as far back as almost seven years old. I did not know what it was at the time, but I knew of it. I knew what this voice was because I used it as a means to entertain myself when I was bored. I grew up in a very religious family and when I was young I would create these elaborate stories and scenarios in my head. It was how I sat quietly and behaved myself as the mass went on. I would think about what I was going to eat when I got home, who I was going to ask to hangout, or how I was going to wear my hair to school the next day.
This mind pattern continued all through my life. Once I found yoga I fell in love. I never liked to work out before yoga. So after I experienced this form of body movement I was all in. My first year of the practice was purely physical. I never considered myself ‘in shape’ until I found yoga. I did it to loose weight and to become strong. I did it to develop flexiblity. It was summer and I was home from art school. I was working as a waitress. I went to a group hot yoga class every morning before I went to open the restaurant. I’d show up to my mat, class would start and then there would go my mind down the rabbit hole. I would think about my breakfast for after class, make lists of things I needed to complete, arrange my agenda for the day, think about school, life plans on and on and on. “Namaste” and class was over. I would hop up, and get home to shower before work.
As I continued to practice and attend class I started to listen more and more to what the teacher would say. Not just the postural cues, but the inspirational remarks, things about the quieting of the mind and letting go of thoughts. Slowly I started to realize that yoga was WAY more than stretching. After doing more research and talking with my teachers I found out that I was doing it ALL wrong. Making lists while you practice isn’t yoga- it’s gymnastics. Yoga in Sanskrit means ‘union’ or ‘connection’ because we practice our ability to unite our mind, body and spirit by practicing the synchronicity of our movement with the breath. From that point on, my practice transformed completely, it became more than a workout- it became my place to let go, drop in, and find stillness. I kept showing up to my mat ready and eager to let my thoughts go. My practice continues to transform to this day. Every practice leaves me a little bit different, I always walk away somewhat changed, closer to the pure essence of who I am.
I look back now and the patterns of the mind even as early as those days sitting in the church pew and I can make the connection that those mind patterns are just a way to escape the present moment. When we feel depressed it is because we are focused on the past. When we experience anxiety, we are too caught up in the uncertainty of the future ahead. All there is, is now.
It’s not all easy and I can not sit here and write to you like it is. Some days are hard, physically or emotionally I don’t feel like getting on my mat. But I remind myself of the moments of my practice where I’ve felt complete presence, total release and utter mental silence and I remember why I chose this path. Some days my body doesn’t feel much like moving, but I remember how yoga accepts all levels- thats why there are modifications. So I get out my mat and do whatever movements feel good, not so much to challenge my body but just to open up. Sometimes my mind won’t slow down. After all, I am a human like everyone else. But the magic is in the work, whatever work that is. Even if you have to remind yourself to let go of the thought your in and return to your breath a thousand times, you still find a thousand small moments of stillness.
If you practice yoga, I hope this reminds you why you started, I hope the inspires you to keep stepping onto your mat.
If you’ve never practiced yoga, I hope this resonates with you and you notice your own mental patterns, and I hope you seek yoga because I want you to experience the magic and the power that has completely transformed every aspect of my whole life.
all my love,
M